My Personal Cancer Journey — Meltdowns

Meltdowns! I have them from time to time. They seem to be occurring more frequently these days. I suppose that is natural; the closer I get to the end, the more emotional and nostalgic I will become. I hate when the meltdowns happen. I cry a lot. I always cried a lot for a guy. At first, I used to be ashamed of crying; the macho side of me thinks it’s weakness. Nowadays I am more comfortable with crying, probably because there’s not much I can do about it; the tears just come.

The meltdowns are triggered by various things. For example, I look at the blanket my girls gave me and it starts. Or I see a picture on my computer screen — my screensaver is made up of personal pictures from my travels, etc — and that activates a memory of some special time, and it starts again.

Lee and I sometimes have these meltdowns together. We call them “pity parties” and they have become difficult to recover from. I suppose that this is all normal, but it is very disconcerting. As I am writing this, I have begun to cry. I guess the mention of these moments has made me aware again that my cancer will eventually deprive me of many potential memories and special times.

These are the times that I hate my cancer. Even though I am trying to embrace it, the hate and anger are still there.

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